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Non-Violent Communication - in brief
Compassionate communication Based on NVC by Marshall Rosenberg and training received from the Center for Nonviolent Communication led by Daren DeWitt.
NVC aims to help us reset our communication methods to create a more compassionate and effective way of communicating. This helps to prevent and resolve conflicts by working towards meeting the needs of those involved. NVC techniques have been used in situations ranging from; therapy, family arguments and countries at war.
This document aims to briefly introduce the terms and explore the concepts using a collection of examples. The explanations for the examples aim to show the implementation of the concept and are not an exhaustive list or set or rules.
It is important to be aware that communication styles are culturally diverse and need to be understood in context.
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Giraffes by Lindsey Elliot (cc-by-nc-nd) |
“Violence is the tragic expression of an unmet need” - Marshall Rosenberg
The two types of language
A quick bit of terminology;
- Jackal - A shared dialect that we have learned that may contain the seeds of conflict and violence. Language which obstructs us from communicating effectively to get our needs understood and met. When jackal is communicated it is usually retorted to (in Jackal).
Properties - high speed, low in accuracy, reactive, high in “fight” (as in fight or flight) emotions and low in compassion; also known as habit language, violent language, unnatural language.
- Giraffe - A shared dialect that helps us to achieve the best communication possible, and hopefully get our needs understood and more likely met.
Properties - slow speed, high in accuracy and compassion; also known as non-violent communication (NVC), compassionate language, natural language, connection language, heart language.
To communicate in Giraffe (NVC), there are 4 components to consider: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (O.F.N.R).
Observations - Separating observations from evaluations, and considering discarding the evaluation
We often combine observations and evaluations to communicate from our own perspective.
Separating each observation from an evaluation gives the listener the opportunity to understand the observed facts, and then to understand the evaluated perspective separately. Often on reflection the evaluation can be dropped as unhelpful.
Jackal | Giraffe | Explanation |
No, you’re wrong
That’s wrong
That's not true | That is not my understanding
We’re not in agreement on that
My experience is...
It is true for me that...
From my perspective...
What I believe is… / I think that... | Wrong and Right and other binary evaluations are particularly unhelpful as they immediately create a division.
People who are divided are hurt and rejected, and they will find it hard to truly listen and understand each other.
Neither party's needs will be met. |
You were angry with me yesterday for no good reason | You appeared angry with me yesterday. I didn’t understand the reason. | If we communicate “for no good reason” we are making an unhelpful evaluation. Additionally, unless the subject said they were angry we may also be misinterpreting their feelings; they may actually feel sad, scared or hurt. It is helpful to check that we understood their feelings. |
Xyz works far too much | Xyz spent more than 60 hours in the office this week. That’s much more than average.I am concerned for their wellbeing | “Too much” is subjective, it is unhelpful because it depends on the person and circumstances, as well as the motivations of the person making the evaluation. Be transparent in why you are making an observation. |
You should stop being so rude to cold callers | It isn’t in harmony with my values to swear at cold callers. Would you be willing to consider changing this? | “Should” is a very often used Jackal word. In Giraffe we own what we are communicating, and we are non-combative, non-subjective and as specific as possible. |
You aren’t very good at xyz
We should be better at doing xyz | Can I support you with xyz?
Is there something you’d enjoy doing instead of xyz?
I’d like it if we improved xyz | Making people feel negative about themselves creates hurt and sows the seeds of violence.
People generally don’t enjoy doing tasks they’re not good at; xyz might be something they have no inclination or aptitude for, so find out what their needs are and support them.
We can usually flip a negative evaluation into positive action language. |
Your exam results are really good, well done. | I’m really pleased you’re happy with your exam results. | Well intentioned compliments can also be Jackal, via a form of coercion. Here we may inadvertently use the punishment/reward system when someone is putting our own or others' needs ahead of theirs.
If achieving the exam results has made them feel miserable, we risk contributing to internalised violence. |
I messed that up so badly | It didn’t work out as I planned, but I now know what to do differently next time. | We can treat ourselves with compassion just as much as others. Feelings of shame, regret and guilt are products of unnecessarily violent self evaluations. |
They were terrible at xyz, they didn’t do A or B. | I didn’t find xyz helpful as I needed to do A or B. | Owning vs blaming. |
You shouldn’t be annoyed | Are you feeling annoyed?
| Start by trying to offer sympathy or empathy to aid communication. |
Person A: "I look really stupid in that photo"
Person B: "No you don't! you look lovely"
| Person A: "I look really stupid in that photo"
Person B: "Stupid? That's not what I see, you look lovely to me" | In Jackal Person A is being quite jackal about themselves and Person B inadvertently says what they're expressing is "wrong" and their feelings are dismissed. They may now disconnect and not hear what is supposed to be a reassurance. In the Giraffe response B shows they’ve heard and talks in terms of their own experience. |
Tip: Check your reasons for making an evaluation. Is it really necessary, or is the observation sufficient?
Feelings - Name them, own them
In Jackal we skip over expressing the actual feeling that our emotions created, and instead we imply it in the subject. This creates an implicit communication, and therefore an ambiguity as to what the underlying feeling actually is, often leading to misunderstanding and conflict.
Explicitly expressing and owning our feelings communicates to others what our feelings actually are, and communicates that we are not ‘blaming’ others for the feelings being invoked. The emotions and feelings that we perceive are the product of our individual life experience. Communicating them avoids people having to guess at what they might be.
Jackal | Giraffe | Explanation |
I feel this meeting has gone on too long. I’m leaving. | I am feeling worried I won’t get my work done as the meeting is overrunning. I need to get back to work now. | “I feel this meeting” is not a specific feeling: it requires the receiver to guess. By expressing the worry we help people to understand more fully. |
You annoy me when you speak over me | I am feeling annoyed when I am spoken over. I have a need to be heard. | To avoid the listener thinking they are being attacked and hurt, we take ownership of our feelings by making sure to use “I” rather than “You”.
We also express our need to let the listener understand the reason. |
I feel like you are mocking me | I am feeling upset as my need to be taken seriously is not being met |
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Working for this customer is making me stressed | I am feeling fearful that the customer is not going to be positive about our work | Looking to identify the root of some feelings may help to reveal a strategy to mitigate them |
Person A: Something insulting! Person B: Retort! | I feel upset when you say that because I am needing your respect and I hear your words as an insult |
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I feel frustrated when you make us late to see xyz | I feel frustrated when I am late because it doesn’t meet my need to show xyz respect |
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You make me angry when you don’t do what we had agreed | I feel angry when an agreement isn’t upheld because I want to be able to rely on you |
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Tip: To determine if something is a feeling, check if it relates to an expressed emotion. Could you ask an actor to “act out feeling xyz”? Tip: Communicate that you own your emotions.
Needs - Try to identify the underlying needs
Negative feelings and conflicts are usually rooted in unmet needs. “Violence is a tragic expression of an unmet need” — Marshall Rosenberg. By expressing and identifying a need along with a feeling, we communicate the context of that feeling. Needs are often simpler, more universal, and better understood. Once needs are identified, strategies can be devised to work towards them being fulfilled.
Jackal | Giraffe | Explanation |
Person 1: (shouting) Please be careful!
Person 2: (angrily) Stop worrying, I am being careful | Person 1: Please be careful with that saw. I have a need to ensure your safety and receive reassurance that you understand.
Person 2: I will be careful. Please understand that I also have a need to be independent and trusted. | In a potential conflict situation if both parties express their needs then a better understanding is created.
Once expressed it is clear Person 1 is not intending to cause hurt. Even if they’re opposing needs that have no obvious resolution an important understanding has been created. |
Person 1: Please don’t leave your papers there.
Person 2: Sorry I’m in a rush, I’ll tidy them when I get back | Person 1: I am feeling worried I will have to do more cleaning that I don’t enjoy. Would you be willing to tidy those papers away, I have a need for this area to be calm and ordered.
Person 2: I understand your need to make this a calm and tidy place. At this moment I am worried I won’t be able to meet my need for comfort if I am rushing to my appointment, I’m willing to tidy it when I get back. |
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Person 1: I’m pleased I achieved xyz
Person 2: Oh I have already achieved xyz | Person 1: I’m pleased I achieved xyz
Person 2: I am pleased you’re happy to achieve xyz.
I was also glad to do that. | By trying to identify what needs someone is trying to get met, we can respond in a way that helps meet their needs. E.g. recognition, respect. |
I’m so glad I could go out last night, thanks for rearranging your diary
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| Awareness that social conditioning/hierarchies create expectations that some groups of people will by default sacrifice their needs for others. |
I’ve got a terrible habit of doing xyz. I wish I could stop | I often do xyz as I don’t yet have a healthier way to meet those needs. |
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Tip: expressing needs can be scary and feel strange, like giving someone the keys to your wellbeing. However without expressing needs we are unlikely to get them met and more likely to end up in conflict.
Requests - Make everything a specific positive request that can be actioned or declined
Any time someone does something for someone else out of obligation, fear (punishment), shame or coercion (e.g. via praise), they are doing so unwillingly and with resistance, both parties are being hurt (sometimes deferred). We all have a need for autonomy, self-determination and choice, denying this sows the seeds of conflict.
Jackal | Giraffe | Explanation |
Your work is very untidy and doesn’t match the existing work. Please can you fix this. | Would you be willing to re-organise the work to match the existing work? as this will help meet our need for consistency. | In Giraffe we are aiming to make a true request that can be turned down. Expressing the need helps the person to understand the purpose. |
We need to repaint the house as it looks shabby. | Would you object/consent if we repainted the house? I would like to improve it to be more beautiful. | By seeking consent we are starting from a default of “no” to the request and only agreeing when that is expressed as a “yes” |
You need to do task A please | Are you happy to do task A? |
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Do it my way, it’s much better.
What I would do is xyz | Would you be willing to try my method? I find it works well.
Can I show you my method? I find it works well.
Would you like some advice? | Requesting to offer help/advice makes sure that the person is willing and wanting to receive help/advice. Being able to say no may for example help meet their needs for autonomy and self learning. |
Tip: Test saying “no” to a request, if it is difficult then it isn’t likely to be heard as a request.
Observations. Feelings. Needs. Requests - Bringing it altogether (OFNR)
Combine all 4 aspects together.
I am observing… / Am I right in thinking… / when I see or hear / <Repeat back what was said>, is that correct | Are you feeling… | Because you are needing… | I request… / Are you willing to… / Are you happy to… / Would you object if… /
Can I… / Invite you to / Would it be possible… |
xyz | Annoyed Angry Anxious Cold Confused Depressed Disheartened Distressed Embarrassed Exasperated Furious Frustrated Frightened Guilty Helpless Hopeless Impatient Indifferent Irritated Lazy Lethargic Loanley Mean Mournful Nervous Numb Overwhelmed Reluctant Restless Sad Sensitive Scared Stressed Suspicious Unhappy Uncomfortable Unsettled Worried + + | Autonomy Choice Integrity Authenticity Creativity Meaning Self-worth Celebration Interdependence Acceptance Appreciation Closeness Community Consideration Empathy Honesty Love Reassurance Respect Support Trust Understanding Warmth Play Fun Spiritual Beauty Harmony Peace Order Physical Safety Shelter Protection Food Air Contact Intimacy + + | zyx |
This is just the start of learning NVC and is a brief introduction to some of the concepts and theory.
Going further than ‘in brief’
- Nonviolent communication 3rd edition, Marshall B Rosenberg, ISBN: 978-1-892005-28-1-51995
- Don’t bother reading the forward in this edition
- This book is the main text book for NVC and contains useful exercises, more detailed explanations, case studies and more about the phycology behind NVC
Extra Notes
A number of mostly related thoughts and musings.
Beliefs helpful in NVC
- People do not wish to be violent
- Violence brings about more violence
- Highly value peace, equality and cooperation
- Forgiveness for imperfection
Terminology
The word "violent" is quite emotive and polarising, there are the extremes; war, murder, fighting, physical and verbal abuse, but what NVC talks to, is the way in which specific communication can create the conditions for violence in ourselves and for others.
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, wanted to include “nonviolence” to connect the technique with their understanding of Gandhi's commitment to nonviolence.
Origins
A lot of us have grown up in a "punishment and reward" , "redemptive violence", "you're wrong, I'm right" , "judgement", "shame" and "guilt" based systems of control. Society has defaulted to communicate in this way in (mostly hierarchical) structures such as employment/work, families, educational institutions and religions.
Some research by Walter Wink suggests Jackal dialect is a fairly new invention e.g. ~1000BC to allow one individual or group within a growing population to quickly get their needs met, usually at the harm/expense of another.
We learn our communications by emulating the communication we have received. Using NVC techniques we try to break this cycle to help people to get their needs met without resorting to violence.
Connection questions to ask yourself
- Does what is being communicated bring you closer to someone or further apart?
- Are there assumptions of malice when there are none?
- Is what is being communicated likely to cause hurt (whether intentional or unintentional)
Compromises
Compromises are a tempting strategy to resolve conflicts quickly but are often unhelpful, especially if both parties only get half (or less than half) of what they need.
If two parties both need a whole cake to stop them being hungry then dividing a cake in half results in neither getting the sustenance they need, thus deferring the problem.
Strategies
“Hold tightly to our needs, loosely to our strategies”.
Alternatives to compromises are strategies, these are the steps needed in order to meet the needs.
Sometimes strategies use “need” words in the same implicit shortcut method as “I feel”. For example in “I need a window open”. The need isn’t “Window open”, the need is (e.g.) “fresh air”, the strategy is “window open”.
Taking over responsibility for our needs
As children we hopefully have adults in our lives who understand our needs - we’re born fairly clueless. Growing up we negotiate (sometimes somewhat violently) to take over the responsibility for meeting and knowing our own needs. Part of our role with children and others is to teach them not just the types of needs and strategies to get them met, but also how to identify what they are in the first place.
Empathy vs sympathy
With sympathy we are empathising in agreement with someone. In a conflict situation it is still possible to empathise with someone without agreeing. E.g. Someone who is being racist out of fear, it is possible to empathise with their feeling of fear but maintain disagreement with their actions (not be in sympathy). This shows an understanding of the person’s experience that helps create a connection in which communication can be established.
The more a conflict escalates the less the parties can hear each other. Using empathy and active listening is key.
When to use NVC
We don’t need to use NVC techniques all the time and without practice it can sound forced and awkward. Knowing NVC gives us tools when there may be a conflict situation arising so we can consciously switch into giraffe language. NVC can create a more compassionate environment.
Unsolicited advice
When people aren’t in a space to hear it, unsolicited advice lights up the same parts of the brain as a harsh judgement or insult (shown via fMRI brain scans).
Further reading: ‘Relationship closeness predicts unsolicited advice giving in supportive interactions’ DOI: 10.1177/0265407515592262 , ‘Unasked-for support and unsolicited advice: Age and the quality of social experience’ DOI: 10.1037/0882-7974.14.1.108, ‘Solicited and Unsolicited Therapist Advice in Psychodynamic Psychotherapy: Is it Advised?’ DOI: 10.1080/09515070.2020.1723492
Positive constructive and actionable language
Common in retrospectives, feedback and
Critical reviews are sentences examples | Positive constructive/actionable examples |
“I wish they wouldn’t…” | “It would be good to improve this by…” |
We shouldn’t be doing…” | “I’d prefer it if this was…” , |
““They’re not very good at…” | “I’d like it if we could…” |
“It’s terrible that they…” | “Can we change this to…” |
“We aren’t very good at…” | “I think it would be helpful to…” |
| “Would it be better if we…” |
| “I’d find this easier if we…” |